Sound Policies for a (insert your hope here) Britain

by John Darvall

There is an election coming. You may have noticed. All the parties are squaring up to each other while trying to convince you that they ‘have a plan’. They all want to ‘help’ you and yours have a better life, they all say other parties offer you nothing and scare you about why you should be afraid of them if they get in.

We are, of course, being ravaged by ‘crisis’ in all our public services, there is failure on every front and it is all everyone elses fault, but not yours. You are the victim. This was the same in 1979, 1983, 1987, 1992, 1997 and so on. You didn’t ask to the barrow the money, you didn’t use the services and you said yes when you should have said no. So now, as we hope for actual leaders to actually lead and real ideas to inspire us, it’s time to test and debate what they are offering. Exciting isn’t it? Well maybe it just might be in a world of four or even five party politics.

I thought I would flesh out my own ‘manifesto’ for a healthier, wealthier, happier or any other ‘ier’ in Britain you might want. Working on the old principle that there is no such thing as a bad idea, these ‘policy headlines’ may just appear somewhere else in the next few months or at some time in the future.

Here goes.

We all pay a flat income tax at 20% of our income, after that income exceeds £15,000 per annum. National Insurance is abolished, along with VAT. Once you earn over £100,000 you then pay 30% income tax and 40% over £200,000.*

You pay a further 2% of you income to you local council.*

Fuel Duty and Vehicle Tax is abolished and you pay 2p for every 1 mile you drive.*

Both national and local councils must send you an annual receipt of what you paid and what they spent it on.

A visit to the Doctor will cost you £18.50, like a basic visit to the dentist, which is currently £18.50. The same exceptions will apply as in dental treatment and if you are undergoing treatment for a chronic illness you do not pay.

Caravans are only allowed to use the UK road network between midnight and 5am between March and November.

You must pass a test to tow a caravan and all caravans must pass an annual MOT.

You can’t get married until you are 30 years old, unless you have the written consent of all family members.

Children learning stringed musical instruments must do so in sound proof rooms.

All barriers and protective street furniture will be removed to make us all pay attention to what is actually going on around us as we walk, drive, cycle. You have a survival instinct and you can use it. Headphones are not allowed on bikes, buses or pavements

The use of traffic cones closing any lanes on our motorways must be no more that half a mile from where the work is being done or where the incident is.

All police vehicles must be marked as police vehicles.

All government departments, both local and national, must be able to clearly answer the ‘why can’t it be done’ test. And ‘we don’t have the money’ is not good enough. You are the government, act like one.

You vote for the person you want to represent you and then party you want to run the council or country.

No election counts unless 40% of those who can vote do actually vote. Any turnout below 40% means no elected representative. Anyone wants your vote must engage you for it.

All big planning applications must go to the applicable local council ward referendum. If less that 40% of those who can vote don’t vote in the referendum, the planning is passed. Over a 40% turnout a simple majority is required to pass or reject any planning application.

We all get a citizen card that is also our driving licence. This card contains details of our insurance and whether we voted or not.

If you didn’t vote shut up as nobody cares what you think.

If you are an elected official and you don’t tell the truth, claim to be one thing and then we find out you are something else you are fired.

Cyclists have to be insured to cycle and pass a basic test on the highway code.

Page three is out of date. Stop it.

Bring back Double D peanuts in the pub.

Local government deals with schools, health, police and local infrastructure.

National government deals with motorways, trains, justice, wars and foreign policy. No government department or profession effected by a government department can ‘overhauled’ or ‘reformed’ until those reforms have been discussed with those they are going to effect.

Junk mail is no longer allowed.

Christmas can’t start until 1st December. Easter can’t start until lent.

Mobility scooters are only to be sold to those who can’t walk, not to those who choose not to walk. They must also be licensed and can not go faster that 3mph.

Bond films or Carry On films must be shown on one free to air TV channel on every Bank Holiday in the afternoon.

I commend all these polices to the house and hope I can count on your vote. Some of the above may not vote winning.

*Sums may not add up, much like everything else that has come out of HM Treasure since 1945